When we were going through this whole process, my head was spinning.

I imagined the worst.

Could it be cancer? Is it spread throughout and just visible here? What I would do if this affected him physically gave him sort of disability? It’s in his throat, could that affect his voice? That is an important part of him and what he does, what God has called him to do. If something happened would I be able to love him the same and care for him physically?

What if God took him? How would I live without a spouse, my best friend? How would I handle 3 kids on my own? How much would I mess them up as a single parent with him not there to balance my faults?

Immediately I started acting differently towards him. I wanted to be with him more and I wanted to treat him better. It’s not that I treat him bad, but I wanted him to have my best.

I also prayed, wondering what God was trying to accomplish with this. I know He does all things for His glory, but what will that look like in this situation?

God reminded me that this was not a singular moment. My husband could be taken from me at any time. It could be a tumor, a car accident, heart attack…

That doesn’t seem reassuring but really it is.

Here’s what usually is in the back of my head: I think I’m in control. I think I know what’s going on.

In reality: I have no clue. I don’t realize that I don’t have a clue until there’s something I don’t know how to fix.  I’m desperate for my Father who knows all, sees all, created all.

He has been there throughout, but I don’t yearn for him until this moment.

So in this moment, I see that God could have taken my husband 2 months ago all of a sudden. God could take him now 1 month after this surgery

So, I shouldn’t just change my actions in this medical mystery moment.

This life is fleeting.

In this moment am I doing what I want to be doing in my last moments? Am I making this moment count?

Am I remembering that all this is grace, a gift? I deserve death. I have sinned and I deserve death.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Romans 6:23

But the gift…

This breath. My life on this earth, my eternal life, these amazing people that surround me.

All of this is a gift.

It’s not mine.

What does that look like in my day-to-day life? I’m still working on that.